Valley Wands

The text below has been doing the internet rounds for many years, but is as funny today as the first time I saw it.  Full credit must go to the original authors whoever they were.  If you've never seen it before, prepare yourself to giggle, if you have seen it before...it's always worth another read, and follows on nicely from my last blog.

Online Initiation Ritual

For all your online coven needs!

HPS>>Before we start our initiation ritual, I have an announcement. Fluffy MoonFerret has totally burned out her hard drive and probably won't be able to get back on line for at least two weeks

EAST>>Darn! She was going to teach us how to make cyber corn dollies next week :-(

HP>>Can I suggest that we table this and get down to business?

EAST>>Yes, sorry

HP>>We're about to start the initiation ritual. Is everyone ready?

WEST>>Present

EAST>>Ready

SOUTH>>Roger

INITIATE>>I am ready

>~~(1minute pause)~~

HPS>>North?

>~~(1minutepause)~~

HP>>NORTH??

NORTH>>Sorry, I had to reboot

HPS>>Ok, we are all here. Initiate, are you skyclad and ready?

INITIATE>>Not yet-- hold on, I need to get a pillow

HP>>Pillow?

INITIATE>>Yes,I have a metal chair here at my desk. OK-- BRB

>~~(2minute pause)~~

INITIATE>>Ok, I am ready and skyclad

HPS>>Good, now do you have the cord?

INITIATE>>Yes, I have an orange one I got on sale at the fabric store today, is that ok?

HP>>Itwill have to do. OK, now, tie your hands behind your back, then bring the cordup around your neck...

INITIATE>>Ummm....I can't do that by myself..

HPS>>Do you have anyone there to help you?

INITIATE>>Only my mom, but she would kill me if she knew what I was doing in here

HP>>OK,forget the cord. Do you have the blindfold?

INITIATE>>Yes,I do

HPS>>OK,put the blindfold on and don't peek while we cast the circle. Give us aboutfour minutes

INITIATE>>OK,I'm going to put the blindfold on now, how will I know when you are ready forme?

HP>>Do you have an alarm clock?

INITIATE>>Yes, but it's in my room

HP>>Can you go get it?

INITIATE>>Yes,but I'd have to put my clothes on-- my mom is in the next room

HPS>>Never mind, just put on the blindfold and count to 240

INITIATE>>OK

>~~(4minute pause)~~

HPS>>Initiate?

>~~(1minutepause)

HP>>INITIATE??

HPS>>Maybehe got disconnected?

INITIATE>>Iam here-- are you ready for me?

HPS>>Yes, the circle is cast. Do you have your sword?

INITIATE>>Sword?

HP>>Yes, while you imagine that I am holding my sword with the tip against your heart I want you to hold your sword in the same way

INITIATE>>I don't have a sword..

HP>>Do you have an athame?

INITIATE>>no..

HP>>Doyou have anything sharp in there?

INITIATE>>There'sa pen on the desk..

HP>>Ok,point the pen at your heart

INITIATE>>OK

HP>>Howdo you enter this circle?

INITIATE>>Inperfect love and perfect trust

HPS>>Good,now I need to whisper the sacred words to you

INITIATE>>whisper?

HPS>>Yes, do you have two phone lines? I can call you with them

INITIATE>>No,  only one

HPS>>Ok, I'll e-mail them to you BRB

HPS has left the chat room**

>~~(1minute pause)~~

HPS hasjoined the chat room**

HPS>>Ok, I mailed them

INITIATE>>OK, I'll go look

INITIATE has left the chat room**

>~~(1minute pause)~~

INITIATE has joined the chatroom**

INITIATE>>I can't get into my hotmail-- I keep getting a message that the servers are down

HPS>>OK, you can get them later. Now imagine that I am pushing you from behind into thecircle

INITIATE>>frombehind?

HPS>>Yes,kinda like you are tilted, I am holding on to the cord. Oh wait.. no cord.. ok ,just pretend I am pushing you into the circle

INITIATE>>Ok

HPS>>Now we are going to go around the circle three times.

INITIATE>>OK

>~~(1minute pause)~~

HPS>>Now we're stopping in front of the altar and I am holding the scourge

INITIATE>>OK

HP>>Youmust kneel at the altar while the High Priestess scourges you

INITIATE>>Do you want me to imagine that I am kneeling in front of the altar or do you really want me to kneel in front of my computer?

HP>>Canyou kneel and still see the screen?

HPS>>Ifhe kneels he must also put his head down on the floor

HP>>Well,I guess he can't kneel then

HPS>>Yes,he can, I have an idea. Initiate--kneel and put your head to the floor and imagine that I am scourging you

INITIATE>>OK

HPS>>I am now scourging you

>~~(2minute pause)~~

HPS>>Initiate you must now scourge me twice as many times

>~~(1minute pause)

HPS>>Initiate?

HP>>INITIATE???

INITiATE>>I am here, now what do I need to do?

HP>>Youmust imagine that you are scourging the High Priestess

WEST>>Ineed to go-- the baby woke up and needs to be fed

HP>>Can you feed him at the computer?

WEST>>Yes, I'll bring him back here with me. North, can you cut me a door?

>~~( 1minute pause)~~

WEST>>I really need to go-- the baby is crying

HP>>NORTH??

>NORTH>>Sorry, I had to reboot

HP>>Can you cut West a door? NOW?

NORTH>>OK,all set

WEST hasleft the chatroom**

HPS>>Ok, should we continue or wait until West comes back?

SOUTH>> I think we should continue

EAST>>We should wait

WEST has joined the chatroom**

WEST>>I am back, North can you cut me back in?

>~~(1minute pause)~~

HP>>NORTH!!!

NORTH>>Sorry, I had to reboot. West you are all set

HP>>Ok,where were we?

HPS>>The initiate has to scourge me. I am going to kneel down here now, and imagine thathe is plying the scourge

INITIATE>>Ok,I am imagining that I am scourging the High Priestess

>~~( 2minute pause)~~

INITIATE>>I am done

HP>>Priestess?

>~~(1minute pause)~~

HPS>>I need to go right now

HP>>Why? We are not finished here

HPS>>I banged my head on the desk when I got up-- hard-- I am bleeding all over my computer. I need to go to the ER for stitches

HPS has leftthe chatroom**

HP>>OK,we'll make this a healing circle instead

INITIATE>>I have to go too, my mom is in the hallway screaming and wants to know what I am doing

INITIATE hasleft the chatroom**

HP>>OK, everyone go light candles and we'll try to do this again tomorrow night

**Chatroomclosed**

Just about says it all really doesn't it?

BB

Sian